i made a lot of bad jokes on this blog and wasn’t even that funny

amazing

Fuck yeah, bitches. Fuck yeah.

It’s time for a sexy fucking anecdote about motherfucking multitasking.

I was a sophomore, still young, fresh, and untainted by all the motherfucking work junior teachers so love to assign.  I was in Japanese class and I was fucking bored, because Japanese is my best goddamn subject.  So I pulled out a book to feed my soul, because that shit is important.  I let the sophisticated grammar points that my sensei was teaching us sink in through my pores and I read that motherfucking book.  

Sensei noticed and called on me, thinking she would catch me off guard and I would be shamed.  But I answered that bitch correctly, adding in a few twists of my own by tapping into the secret knowledge that I now held in my sexyass skin.

It was then that sensei fell over and required I give her some motherfucking CPR.

Fuck yeah.

My pants were too hot today.

I couldn’t concentrate on anything, thinking about how fucking sexy I am.

Sometimes, when things go roughly for bitches, I shower glitter on them to make them feel sexy, for I am a benevolent God.

callmemidwife said: How can you be so sexy?

It’s a mystery to most bitches, the answer to which I cannot reveal, much like what happens after death and the meaning of life.

All of which I know.

School started last Friday, bitches.

And let me tell you, that shit is taxing.  I’m sure you all thought that nothing could ever exhaust me, but you don’t understand how goddamn painful it is to spend seven motherfucking hours a day covering up your true sexy fucking identity.  Bitches at high school simply cannot handle this shit.  

Once I showed a bitch from school what I was really like, back when I was a freshman and had yet to understand the complicated burden that comes with being  being this painfully, utterly, wonderfully fucking sexy.  I thought this bitch was strong enough, but I was wrong, for once in my awesome fucking life.  

She went into a coma and it was a year before she came out of it.  I sat by her bedside each day because I’m so goddamn dexterous that I was able to continue my studies and my sexy fucking responsibilities even while I devotedly endured that shitty hospital chair and breathed the stifling oxygen that comes with hospitals.  

I was there when she awoke.  The sight of me, still fucking sexy (because bitches, how can I not be sexy, no matter how much I mask myself?) even if I was shielding her from my full motherfucking glory, was enough to send her into another coma that lasted six more goddamn months.  The sheer fucking memory of me did this to her.  

It is a heavy cross that I have to bear, bitches.  A heavy motherfucking cross.

Hi bitches.

It’s been awhile.  But Luff Luff is finally gone (having returned home as the sexiest fucking bitch I have seen in awhile) and I can get back to blogging as before.  

Shit just got sexier all over your dashboards. 

I’ve been gardening.

The shovel work does wonders for my guns.  And as I overturn the earth, I speak sweet words to the plants, so that they can grow sexy and tall like me, bearing bountiful fruits and vegetables for my fucking family.  It is said that speaking with plants causes them to grow motherfucking strong, so I let my flavorful, smooth voice wash over them with the water from the hose, and those bitches grow faster than your little niece after her first birthday.  It’ll be decades before your niece begins to bear fruit, but these bitches?  For these bitches, it’s a matter of weeks.  I give them my love and my benevolence, and they return that shit to me in the form of the sexiest motherfucking food you bitches will never eat.